..... JOKES .....

muthafunka · Post by **muthafunka** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:59 pm

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman takes one look at them and says, "This is a joke, isn't it?"

8O · Post by 8O » Sun Dec 21, 2008 4:15 pm

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman immediately shouts, "Get out - we don't serve your type here!"

8O · Post by 8O » Sun Dec 21, 2008 4:20 pm

Guy goes into a busy pub and notices there are bits of meat stapled to the ceiling. He goes to the bar and orders a pint and asks the barman, "how come there are bits of meat attached to the ceiing?". The barman replies, "Well, it's a bet we have running here: if you think you can get the meat down off the ceiling we'll pay for you drinks for a year. But if you fail, you'll have to pay for everyone's drinks here for the whole night. What do you think - do fancy trying?". The guy takes another look at the ceiling and says, "nah, I don't think so, the steaks are too high".

Angstrom · Post by **Angstrom** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:10 pm

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm. He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

Q: What has anal sex got in common with spinach?
A: If you were forced to have it as a child, chances are you won't like it as an adult.

ubermnd · Post by **ubermnd** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:25 pm

A man walks into a bar and sees a sexy girl sitting at the bar, he wanders over and asks her name.
"Carmen" she replies.
"That’s a beautiful name" he says, "Why are you called Carmen?"
"Because I like cars and i like men!" She says. "What’s your name?" She asks.
"My name's Charlie Beer Cunt!"

Stace · Post by **Stace** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 6:09 pm

Q. Why is marriage like oral sex?
A. Because one slip of the tongue and your in the shit!

dhilsabeck · Post by **dhilsabeck** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:06 pm

mikemc wrote: "Knock knock"
Who's there?
"Interrupting Cow"
Interrupting C...
"MOOOOOOO!"

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0 ... 1&index=14

mikemc · Post by **mikemc** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:21 pm

^^

It's around closing time, and a guy is sitting at the bar says to the bartender: "Man, I have to take a mighty whizz, the pressure is huge. Y'know, I'll bet you 50 that if you were to set a beer mug at the end of the bar and I was to stand at this end, I could fill it withough spilling a drop."

Bartender says "Put your fifty on the bar and you're on"

Dude sets down the fifty, and stands at the end of the bar opposite where the bartender has set an empy mug. He unleashes his stream... and it falls about 10 feet short, puddling on the bar in front of him. The bartender guffaws, scoops up the fifty and, laughing starts wiping up the mess.

The originator of the challenge is unfazed, actually smiling. Bartender says "You must be wasted, man, you just blew fifty bucks."

The guy replied. "Yeh, but I bet that table of jerks over there in the corner 100 apiece that I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh while you mopped it up."

knotkranky · Post by **knotkranky** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:03 pm

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood.

The second vampire says, "Bartender, give me a bloody mary." The bartender gives him a bloody mary.

The bartender says to the third vampire; What'll it be pal?

The third vampire holds up two bloody tampons and says; "I just need a cup of hot water, i'm having tea."

Tone Deft · Post by **Tone Deft** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:08 pm

women are like parking spots, they're lying cheating whores.

knotkranky · Post by **knotkranky** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:58 pm

The worlds deadliest joke.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdWGlJrG6sQ

telekom · Post by **telekom** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 12:23 am

An old couple are in church singing hymns. The old lady says to the old man "Oh no, I just let out a silent but very very smelly fart... what should I do?"

The old man says "Get new batteries for your hearing aid."

telekom · Post by **telekom** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 12:46 am

Guy goes into a bar and sees a huge jar stuffed full of money sitting on the bar. He buys a pint and asks what the jar is for.

Barman: "It's a prize. You can win it if you meet my challenge. Everyone else who tried has failed. So all that money was put in the jar by the men who failed before you. But I can't tell you what to do unless you put £50 in the jar".
Man: "Oh go on just tell me."
Barman: "Nope. Put £50 in the jar."
Man puts £50 in jar.
Barman: "OK. If you can perform three simple tasks, in the exact order I tell you, then you can have the jar of money."
Man: "What do I do?
Barman: "Firstly drink this bottle of tequila, including the worm."
Man: "OK, glug..."
Barman: "Next, you have to fuck the 95 year old lady upstairs, she's never had an orgasm and you MUST make her come."
Man: "Jesus! OK, glug, glug..."
Barman: "Finally you must go outside and remove the rotten back tooth from my Rottweiler's mouth - he is in constant agony and therefore very VERY angry. If you do the first two tasks, then remove the dog's tooth, the money is yours."
Man: "Glug glug glug... right that's task one done!" and he slams the empty bottle down.

Man disappears for a while. Wild screaming, groaning and panting is heard from upstairs. Man staggers down again and goes outside, by now clearly feeling the effects of the tequila and worm. Insane growling, vicious barking and a violent struggle can all be heard. After about an hour the man comes back in, covered in bite marks and blood, sweating and stinking.

Man: "It wasn't so bad ripping the old lady's teeth out, but I thought that dog was never gonna come!"

weeddigger · Post by **weeddigger** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 12:57 am

HA!!!

knotkranky · Post by **knotkranky** » Mon Dec 22, 2008 3:34 am