first off i want to say that your honesty & determination are admirable! i think it's great that you are willing to make this commitment to yourself.
i definitely hear where you're coming from... i could go on & on but the short story is that i've always been really shy and had self esteem issues since i was a kid. so then i would find myself in these situations where there's an expectation to be outgoing & spontaneous (ie, being a musician/dj/just being in social situations period), and i'd always feel really uncomfortable and self conscious. so i would feel like i needed something to make me loosen up & be myself. i'd end up overdoing it in numerous ways, and then always felt like shit in the end-- physically & emotionally because i knew that it WASN'T really me and that i was evading the real issue: the fact that i didn't like who i was.
of course, though, this isn't about me, this is about you, so i'll shut up about that...
my point is that you talked about drinking, wanting to stop, making a contract with yourself, etc., but i think that what you need to do is not focus so much on the manifestation of your issues (=drinking) but the triggers & the underlying stuff that drive you to do it in the first place. you logically know that you don't want to continue this and that it's 'ruining' you, and yet you do it. you don't even want to do it. so it really comes down to what role it plays in your life, why you don't want it in your life but you feel like you need it (so obviously there's some conflict going on there..) and unless you understand WHY you are holding onto this self destruction, you are going to find yourself in that endless cycle:
you set these incredible expectations of yourself ("okay, i'm going to make a contract and stop drinking TODAY!:twisted: ), and when you can't meet them, you blame yourself and feel like shit (=guilt, depression, anxiety
), which usually triggers you to use again (=numbing the pain & reality), which makes you feel more hopeless & angry with yourself... then you're like, "okay, this is the last time, i SWEAR" and make an even more impossible demand on yourself. all the while you're ignoring what your reasons for drinking are and not digging into the root of the issue......
you said something about not being able to go to sleep without drinking, because you're scared of what thoughts will bubble up... why don't you try keeping a journal of these thoughts? i swear this has been my best therapy
when you let these fears & doubts fester in your subconscious, they'll just intensify and sometimes become blown out of proportion..i find that when i write things out, i'll realize how irrational a lot of my fears are, and i can at least put them into a concrete form that i can examine, instead of burying them inside me and letting them eat away at my self esteem. trying to ignore them & block them out (by any method... denial, taking them out on someone, or, in your case, drinking) will only make them more powerful.
anyway, sorry i'm beginning to sound like a freakin' therapist.
i wish you the best of luck, and remember, it's not a test. you don't need to stop today or tomorrow, and it's not a failure if you can't do it right away. but realizing that it's fucking your life up and that you deserve better is an awesome step & you honestly need to appreciate that. you're definitely on the right track-- just don't expect too much too soon, don't lose faith in your ability to do this, and just try to ask yourself what it is you are running away from...