(OT) Identity Theft (even a family member can do it)

dphouse84 · Post by **dphouse84** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:40 pm

I recently found out that my mother took out several credit cards in my sister's name while she was in college and never told her about them. When she got a job after school (recently)and went to rent an apartment she found out about these outstanding debts.
She's torn about turning my mother in (only way to get out of the debt) becuase there is no way she can pay the sickly amout back.
My mom just says for her to accept it; not aknowleging what she has done and isn't making any effort to pay her back.
has anyone had any experience with this?
I obviously can't do anything financially to help out, and my sister and I both live from month to month.
I hear that on the average 1 out of every 11 identity thefts is from a family member.

what are your thoughts?

4.33 · Post by **4.33** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:44 pm

she's your mother damnit

ethios4 · Post by **ethios4** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:53 pm

Ugh...sorry to hear about that. It sucks when someone so close betrays trust... further compounding the damage. No one outside your family is going to know the best course of action. I'd say just think it through really carefully, communicate as much as possible, and be sure you've explored all options before deciding what to do.

It would really suck to turn your mom in, but at the same time she's being really shitty not owning up to what she has done, at her own daughter's expense. Damn, that's not cool at all. So, is your sister supposed to just declare bankruptcy over this??

One more thing....there are always at least two sides to every story. Are you sure you're getting the whole story, including your mom's side? I had to learn the hard way that people in my family had been lying to me my whole life about some serious shit.....I had only ever had one side of the story...

nebulae · Post by **nebulae** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:03 pm

^ I agree with Ethios...there are two sides...please confront her first and ask what she was thinking...it could have been a misunderstanding. Having said that, if after you confront her, and you get an answer that says implies that she sold you out, or anything like "oh she's young, and can handle the hit on her credit..." - basically anything that implies that mom KNEW what she was doing and did it anyway, then I would have ZERO problems with turning her in. I don't care who they are, only what they did, and what their intent was. If a crime was committed and someone was hurt, then she deserves to be reported.

dphouse84 · Post by **dphouse84** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:04 pm

Yes unfortunately I know the whole story, its quite sad. My dad committed suicide over debt 8 yrs ago they racked up, he saw no way out. She got 500K from insurance. long story short, she blew it all paying off their debt, and buying a house way too big for her. 4 bedrooms, study, 3.5 bath, just for her. She was a housewife while married to my dad who made good money in the IT field her whole life; now she hasn't been able to find a job that "she likes", so she has quit all of her parallegal positions in Dallas before she finds a new job to support the home she bought, and the lifestyle she grew accustom to while my dad was working.

It indeed is sad, I'm 35, my sister is turning 30, and my mother is 61, and not in that great of health.
My fear is we get a call that she's committed suicide (like my dad) once all the bills catch up and her house if foreclosed upon.

not the best of topics, but just wanted to hear others opinions.

nebulae · Post by **nebulae** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:08 pm

^ I'm sorry to hear about this..but I sincerely believe that you need to cut cancer out of your life, and sometimes, sadly, the cancer is your parents...

dphouse84 · Post by **dphouse84** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:09 pm

Neb, good to see you chime in, she's around the corner from you in Frisco.
wanna take a drive an straighten her out? She's got a degree in IP/Trade law as a parallegal, know anyone that's got a position
(Just kidding; tying to laugh when I can; know you're a lawyer)

and yes, we have confronted her several times; hence the "just accept it, you're young" answer from my mother; she's lied and said she was working to me, and I found out the truth from my sister that she wasn't.

It's like i dont even know her.

weeddigger · Post by **weeddigger** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:11 pm

Not all parents truely love their kids... Sad to say.

nebulae · Post by **nebulae** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:13 pm

dphouse84 wrote:Neb, good to see you chime in, she's around the corner from you in Frisco.
wanna take a drive an straighten her out? She's got a degree in IP/Trade law as a parallegal, know anyone that's got a position
(Just kidding; tying to laugh when I can; know you're a lawyer)

and yes, we have confronted her several times; hence the "just accept it, you're young" answer from my mother; she's lied and said she was working to me, and I found out the truth from my sister that she wasn't.

It's like i dont even know her.

hehe, well, I try to help when I can, but I think you gotto cut bait, bro. You don't know her because you don't...I know so many people in this city that dig their own graves with mortgage and wants and desires...FYI, Frisco is full of materialistic and unrealistic people who can't afford the gas in their Hummers. Anyways, I feel your pain, but honeslty, if you knew she did it with intent, you have an obligation to society and even to your mom to report her. People who skate by on other people without repercussion aren't done any favors by being bailed out time and again.

mathew · Post by **mathew** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:19 pm

Turn her in.

Your future and financial health are tied into this. This will affect the ability to get jobs, cost you untold amounts of money (even if you never paid it back, consider the 10s of thousands lost to %points.

The main argument to turning her in is for your mothers sake. she is obviously suffering from either an addiction of some kind, gambling, pills, or suffering from some kind of mental disorder, dementia or something that has countered her ability to make sound legal and ethical decisions.

Her lack of response to this underlines the need to get help for her.

Call the authorities, have a judge intervene.

b0unce · Post by **b0unce** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:20 pm

this is a job for Judge Judy.

dphouse84 · Post by **dphouse84** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:23 pm

nebulae wrote:
dphouse84 wrote:Neb, good to see you chime in, she's around the corner from you in Frisco.
wanna take a drive an straighten her out? She's got a degree in IP/Trade law as a parallegal, know anyone that's got a position
(Just kidding; tying to laugh when I can; know you're a lawyer)

and yes, we have confronted her several times; hence the "just accept it, you're young" answer from my mother; she's lied and said she was working to me, and I found out the truth from my sister that she wasn't.

It's like i dont even know her.
hehe, well, I try to help when I can, but I think you gotto cut bait, bro. You don't know her because you don't...I know so many people in this city that dig their own graves with mortgage and wants and desires...FYI, Frisco is full of materialistic and unrealistic people who can't afford the gas in their Hummers. Anyways, I feel your pain, but honeslty, if you knew she did it with intent, you have an obligation to society and even to your mom to report her. People who skate by on other people without repercussion aren't done any favors by being bailed out time and again.

I agree with you totally about Frisco, and that's the type of neighborhoods we grew up in; everyone acts entitled; not my type of morals at all. for me family should come first, and that's what i am struggling with most.
She has chosen materialistics and a home that she cant afford over her owne kids. I left the house when i was 18 because i knew my family was sick.
and just for confirmation i was just joking about the job, i wouldn't wanna hire her either;esp after hearing this story.

It's so sad dealing with someone who is so out of touch with reality; almost like dealilng with an addict/alcohol.

I truely hope no one here ever goes through this... ever.
for me it's actually harder dealing with this than my father's suicide.

thanks you everone, I wanted to get as many peoples opinions/views/suggestions as possible; I appreciate it.

ethios4 · Post by **ethios4** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:25 pm

My situation with my mom was very similar... she had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and when she and my dad were divorced she was not able to successfully scale back her expenses. This led to a mountain of debt that she could no longer pay once her health failed, and she ended up resorting to painkiller addiction, more medical problems, and finally death.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done differently, and finally realized there was very little I could have done differently...it is not in my power to change anyone, especially not my 53 year old mother! I could have totally fucked my life up by abandoning everything I was doing, moving in with her, getting into debt myself to pay off her debts, etc....still wouldn't have changed the underlying problem, which was within her.

I guess my point is that letting someone walk all over you doesn't really help them at all...it just enables them to go deeper into it, and ruins you in the process.

So sorry you're having to deal with this.

Homebelly · Post by **Homebelly** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:19 pm

I try not to get involved with these type of posts, but i'm with both ethios and Neb on this one. Do the hard thing and turn her in, then be there to support her as a son.
I know how tough this can be.. its a kind of tough love/intervention thing.
My best advice, and from similar experience for what its worth, get your sister on side and backing you up, report your mom and then be there as her kids to help her through what comes next.
This is going to be a trip on your part.
I think the worst thing you can do is let it slide.
As to the suicide thing, if she has it in her to take that option then no matter what you do she probably will. Speaking from the experience of also losing a parent that way it is my opinion that you can not take responsibility for that aspect of some ones personality. Do what you got to do for both your self and your sister first.

SimonPHC · Post by **SimonPHC** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:35 pm

{edit} I didn't read everything, so I edited this post when I did after all. The original post was a bit unthoughtful. sorry

(OT) Identity Theft (even a family member can do it)

Would you turn in your own mother for stealing your identity and running up large credit card amounts in your name without your knowlege.

(OT) Identity Theft (even a family member can do it)