Ableton Forum

What do you call someone who hangs out with with musicians?

A drummer.

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?



you only have to punch the rhythm into the drum machine once.

Definition: string quartet:

a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

A swing band is playing a ballroom stage, just bashing out the same standards as they've always done week after week for years. After tightly ending the waltz-time smoocher that's filled the floor for the past 6 mins or so they launch into a pretty fast rock n rolley number that creates a gasp from the audience and a few of the older members start to kick their legs high in a pissed can-can sort of style. One fat middle aged lady kicks extra high in drunken enthusiasm, and as she does so, her loosely fitting tampon shoots out and flies across the room, straight into the trumpet of the sax player. He leans over to the bassist and says "ugh! did you see what just happened?" the bass player replies "Serves you fuckin right, you've been playing like a cunt all night!"

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.

A drummer and a bass player are falling off a plane. How does it sound when they hit the ground?

(listen to the 188kb answer) http://www.martinrewki.ch/drum&bass.wav

How do you know when the drum riser is level?
The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!

How do you know when a singer is at the door?
He never comes in on time!

Hd

What's better than two hands on a piano?

Two lips on an organ...

Huzzah!

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds it still and the whole fucking world revolves around him!

How many country and western artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

100.

1 to change the light bulb and 99 to write songs about how much they miss the old one.

The pianist at a lounge is approached by a customer with a wad of bills who says:

"Hewwo, ah have weewwy enjoyed your pwaying. Can you pway ah jazz cawd?"

The pianist eyes the wad, quickly deciphers the Elmer Fudd speech impediment and replies "A jazz chord? sure thing..." Stroking the keys he says, "there you go: an A maj 7th."

"No, no-- ah mean ah jazz cawd".

"Ok, any of these do it for you?" and the pianist deftly runs through various inversions of minor 9ths

The customer shakes his hesd "No no-- Ah Jazz Cawd"

The pianist executes a brief yet intricate improvised medley incorporating Miles Davis, Joe Zawinul, Chick Corea, Mingus and Nat King Cole... he finishes with a flourish and asks "something like this, then?"

"No, you know: Stevie Wondohw - 'Ah Jazz Cawd, to say Ah Wuv You'?"

A band is on stage really rocking, playing a great set. The guitarist thinks to himself, "Woah, look at all these chicks diggin' it, I'm gonna get laid tonight for sure!" The drummer thinks to himself, "That's a record company scout in the back, he looks like he is lovin' it, we are going to get signed and become huge!" The bassist thinks to himself "A, D, G, C, A, D, G, B no A!"

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car?


It took him two hours to get the drummer out.

What does an Ableton fan boy think "perfect pitch" is?


When you lob an APC40 into a toilet without hitting the rim.