Ableton Forum

Q. What's the difference between jam and jelly?

A. I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

...

Guy is standing behind a girl in line to buy groceries. She is buying eggs, milk, juice and bread. Guy says to her, "Let me guess, you're single, aren't you?" She says, "Yes I am, how did you know??". The guy says, "Because you're fuckin' ugly!!!"

...

A guy bursts through his front door and yells "honey, pack your bags I've won the lottery."
His girlfriend starts up the stairs, turns around and says "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
He says "I don't care, just get the fuck out"!

...

A man goes to the doctor's office and says: "Hey Doc, I need to get some birth control for my 12 year old daughter."
Disgusted by what he just heard, the Doctor replies: "Are you kidding me? Your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?"
The man looks back at the Doctor and says: "Not really... She just pretty much lays there and cries, just like her mother."

lololol oooh my sides

Q What do you get if you masturbate for 5 days?

A A weekend !

lummux wrote:A vicar checking into a hotel, goes up to the clerk and says "I hope the porn in my room is disabled"

Clerk replies "No it's normal porn you sick bastard".

Oh thats good!! Best one yet!!

Why did the leprachaun ware 2 condoms?

Ah, to be sure to be sure!!!

whats the difference between a duck?

Whats the opposite of christopher reeves? christopher walken.

what color are Kurt GoBang's eyes?

blue.

one blew this way,
one blew that way.

Guy walks into a bar with a huge chunk of asphalt under his arm...



says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer, and one for the road."

Q: What happens if you walk out the door sideways in Thailand?
A: You Bangkok

Q: How do you know your mother has her period?
A: Your brother's cock tastes different

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

I went to my local video shop earlier and asked if I could have batman forever, she said no, bring it back tomorrow.

Whats black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

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Whats the best thing about fucking 26 year olds?
Theres 20 of them.

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How do you get children to stop playing on your porch?
Rape one of them.

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Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a bag of children?
I dont have a Ferrari in my garage.

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Whats black and eats cunts?
Cervical Cancer.

dont even start

funky shit wrote:Whats black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

-

Whats the best thing about fucking 26 year olds?
Theres 20 of them.

-

How do you get children to stop playing on your porch?
Rape one of them.

-

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a bag of children?
I dont have a Ferrari in my garage.

-

Whats black and eats cunts?
Cervical Cancer.

dont even start

......................................

oh noes, mods swooping in in 3...2...

perhaps if you replace the word "rape" with "surprise sex" it would make them more PC?

[quote="nuxnamon]
......................................[/quote]

well um not exactly what I meant by "juvenile"... more like:

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.