December 1996 - Just moved out of the parent's house, living in my own house now with two roommates - a guy that just got out of the Marines, and one of the university's star basketball players (until he got kicked out). We are going to head up some shitty concert in the city 30 minutes away. So we get drunk (them more so than I) and they also take some pills...probably xanax or something. Before we even leave the Marine is so drunk that the only way I can get him up and out the door is by shouting in his face "Stand up Marine! Get on your feet Marine!!"....that got him up quick!
So we are driving into the city, I'm sitting in the back, drunk friends in front. At one point we end up curb-checking at 50 mph, which blew a tire and bent the axle. So we pull over to the side of the highway. My friends in the front promptly pass out, so it's up to me to change the tire. We didn't know the axle was broke at this point. So I'm out there in the freezing cold trying to change a tire, which is hard because I'm so drunk I can hardly see straight. And lo and behold a cop pulls up...gets out and sees my passed out friends. He asks if I've been drinking and I say "No". So he holds the flashlight for me while I change the tire, desperately trying to not clue him in to how drunk I am.
I get the tire changed and the cop asks me if they are drunk. I tell him they are, and he says "well, get them in the back and you can drive off." He never stops to ask why I wasn't the one driving if I'm sober and they're not! Hehehe. So I had to slap my friend repeatedly in the face to get him to wake up enough to get out of the drivers seat, and he's all stumbling in the road with cars coming fast, and the cop is watching it all. Finally get them both in the back and drive off.
Well, it's rather hard to get very far in a car with a broken axle, so we rather quickly pull into an apartment and the guy who was driving before demands to drive again since its his car. I let him and we drive to a nearby convenience store. As we're pulling in we notice three cop cars sitting there, but it is too late to not look suspicious. So we all agree to just sit there for a minute and then drive off. Of course, my drunken marine friend goes inside anyway and is dragged out by three cops less than 30 seconds later. They are going to take us all to the drunk tank.
My basketball friend starts screaming profanities at the cops and telling them his lawyer dad is going to destroy them all. So one of the cops goes to the trunk of his vehicle and pulls out a small baggie of white powder, which he proceeds to put in our car and begins to call it in on his police radio - narcotics. So I begin kissing ass immediately, confess we are all drunk, and beg him to take us to the drunk tank. After some convincing he agrees.
The drive to the drunk tank was fun. My Marine friend is still drunkenly trying to convince the cop he is not drunk by attempting to recite the alphabet backwards....Z,Y,X,W...ahh fuck, I'll start over....Z,Y,X,W,V....ah fuck I'll start over.... and the cop is singing NIN "Bow down before the one you serve"...fucking pig!
We get to the drunk tank and it is abysmal. 12 hours of this shit. After a few hours of listening to homeless drunks fart and moan we convince the warden to let us order a pizza. When it arrives he eats it all except for a few pieces and gives us the leftovers. At one point we had the bright idea to offer to clean up the place if he would let us out early. So we cleaned up all the shit, piss, and vomit from the toilets, and he let us out 10 minutes early. The homeless drunks commented that in all their years they had never seen someone puke as much or as horridly as my marine friend did. Nice.
As we are leaving the drunk tank we spy our friend's mom and her state representative boss walking into the center. Fortunately they did not see us in such a compromised state! What an adventure!
