Ableton Forum

In France they got toilets, its just a hole in the floor. Once I was there and there was a guy on his knees with his hands in this hole. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking for his teeth. I said: Your teeth are over there! He said: No, they're not mine, already tried them.

Boy meets girl. Boy says: You know the difference between a pepper steak and a blowjob?

Girl says: No.

Boy says: Well, then lets have a pepper steak.

Lumberjack has a job interview for a Canadian company. They ask him to demonstrate his skills and he cuts a huge tree within 10 seconds. Flabbergasted they ask him where he got his training and he answered: In the Sahara. Man from the company says: But there aint no trees in the Sahara.

No, not after I left, lumberjack said.

What is the capital of France?


F.

What key is the Happy Days theme in?

earthloop wrote:What is the capital of France?


F.

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; you can find out."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up it’s ass
and turned it’s wool to nylon

A woman decides to become a nun and joins an order that takes the vow of silence and can only say 2 words every 5 years.

Year 5: “Cold food”
Mother superior: “I’ll talk to the kitchen about that.”

Year 10: “Hard mattress”
Mother superior: “I’ll see about getting you a new mattress.”

Year 15: “Dark room”
Mother superior: “I’ll see about having better lights installed.”

Year 20: “I quit”
Mother superior: “I’m not surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Shit! I accidentally posted this in a thread about levels and metering. I blame my phone.



Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

for a moment i thought you posted multiple jokes and that the first one went:

andydes wrote:Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day.

a woman walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "i need some cyanide", to which he replies "why would you need something like that?" she says, "my husband has been cheating on me". to which the pharmacist says "well i can't just give you cyanide." the woman proceeds to hold up a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife... to which he replies "oh, well why didn't you tell me you have a prescription?"

90 year old cowboy goes into the saloon and asks for a whiskey. after he had the whiskey he walks out and finds his horse has disappeared. so he goes back into the saloon, pulls his gun and shoots some holes in the ceiling. when everybody is silent he says: my horse is gone, i give you all 2 minutes, then i will walk outside again, and if the horse is not there, same thing will happen here as happened in silver creek city. After 2 minutes he walks outside and finds his horse. While stepping on his horse a little boy asks him: Hey mister, what happened in silver creek city. The old cowboy answers: Well, i had to walk home.

There once was a man named Sweeny
whose wife was a terrible meany
the hatch on her sn#tch
had a catch that would latch
and she could only get f**ked by Houdini.