Ableton Forum

@ Funky Shit... although truly tasteless I had to laugh. Perhaps if this bend in humor is too racy a new thread is required.
Keep em' coming.

lolz.
im not a bad person..
i can laugh at anything.

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My friend bought a fish today.
Apparently it was epileptic.
Told me it was ok though when he put it back into the bowl.

What drives a lesbian up the wall?

A crack in the ceiling.

These are quite offensive so close your eyes...

What's a definition of self-destruction?

An epileptic leper.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

How do you know you're having a breakfast at a Jews place?

There's a fork in the sugar bowl...

and, really...

What did the Jewish pedophile say?

"Hey kid... go easy on them lollies!"

lastly...
What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?

You can't unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork..

Oh dear, i will probably get my account axed for this! Please forgive we, they're only jokes....

funky shit wrote:Whats black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

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Whats the best thing about fucking 26 year olds?
Theres 20 of them.

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How do you get children to stop playing on your porch?
Rape one of them.

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Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a bag of children?
I dont have a Ferrari in my garage.

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Whats black and eats cunts?
Cervical Cancer.

dont even start

Sick bastard! I love it...

A couple of localised Australian jokes- I'm sure you can substitute places wherever you are!

What's the latest New Zealand invention?

Velcro gloves... baa...

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?

Kick his sister in the chin..

Hear about the lepers playing cards?

One lost his hand, the other laughed his head off..

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

Left his foot on the clutch...

Why did the Irishman fail his driving test?

He opened up the door to let the clutch out...

Why did the Irish match factory run out of business?

This one works, this one works, this one works....

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full...

What's the best to annoy your girlfriend while your having sex?

Phone her...

What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?

I'll swap you two 5's for a 10...


hmmmphhhhh!!!! That's it, I'm out of short ones, too lazy and tired for a long one....

gavscope wrote:What drives a lesbian up the wall?

A crack in the ceiling.

These are quite offensive so close your eyes...

What's a definition of self-destruction?

An epileptic leper.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

How do you know you're having a breakfast at a Jews place?

There's a fork in the sugar bowl...

and, really...

What did the Jewish pedophile say?

"Hey kid... go easy on them lollies!"

lastly...
What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?

You can't unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork..

Oh dear, i will probably get my account axed for this! Please forgive we, they're only jokes....

LOLING in work here.

So two rednecks are talking.
"Hey Emil I heard you're gonna marry Sue!"
"Not now that I found out she's a dammed virgin."
"What's wrong with that?"
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy and two brothers, then she ain't good enough for me!"

Two gays are walking down the road and run across a dog licking his balls, one turns to the other,
"Oh god Cliff I wish I could do that!"
"I don't know Jerome, I think you should go up and pet him, see if he's friendly first?"

A man and a small girl are walking through dark secluded woods.
The little girl says, "It's so dark! I'm really scared!"
The man replies, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"

Q: What's the perfect meal for a necrophiliac, pedophile, into bestiality and group sex?
A: A three egg omelette.

A rabbi, a FBI agent, a hippy, an ex president and and Irishman walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

What did the leper say to the whore?

Keep the tip.

-----------------------------------------

What kind of meat does the pope eat?

Nun.

Machinesworking wrote:Two gays are walking down the road and run across a dog licking his balls, one turns to the other,
"Oh god Cliff I wish I could do that!"
"I don't know Jerome, I think you should go up and pet him, see if he's friendly first?"

I heard a different version of this one...

Two sportscasters are announcing the TV broadcast of a University of Georgia football game. It's half time, and the camera is on Uga (the UGA mascot- a bulldog). One announcer is looking at a highlight reel of Herchel Walker making a touch down. The second announcer is looking at the live feed as Uga starts licking his balls. The first announcer, looking at Herchel, says "I wish I could do that." The second announcer, looking at Uga, says "That dog would bite you!"

[ps- this joke as I heard it didn't equate gays and beastiality; and therefore I find the first version here slightly offensive; I guess some repressed cocksuckers got a hold of it and made their twist ]

A King looks out among his subjects and spies a beautiful young girl. The King leans over and says to his adviser "Tonight I want that girl." The adviser, startled, replies "But Sire that girl doesn't even have hair on her pussy." To which the King replies, "Tonight, she will have hair on her pussy."

TRS80 wrote:

Machinesworking wrote:Two gays are walking down the road and run across a dog licking his balls, one turns to the other,
"Oh god Cliff I wish I could do that!"
"I don't know Jerome, I think you should go up and pet him, see if he's friendly first?"

[ps- this joke as I heard it didn't equate gays and beastiality; and therefore I find the first version here slightly offensive; I guess some repressed cocksuckers got a hold of it and made their twist ]

That's ridiculously PC of you. Nobody is off limits to humor, not a single person or thing, zero rules, period. Once you do that you become the thing you try to prevent, prejudice.

I've known enough hardcore queens to guess that IMO this joke came from two gays actually having this exact conversation! Some are that dirty minded, and some are that clever and witty to come up with a reply on the spot that quickly. No surprises there.

Basically keep your PC bullshit out of juvenile threads, and realize you're talking to a guy who's vocalist is a lesbian.

Q: what's the difference between jam and marmalade?




A: you can't marmalade your cock into your wife's mouth.

Q: How can you tell if you're roommate's gay?
A: His dick tastes like poop.

Q: What do lesbians bring on a first date?
A: A moving van.

Q: What's better than lesbian sex?
A: Not being gay!

Q: What's better than winning the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

A teenage girl goes to her dad to borrow the car, he says no.
"Dad Please, I'll do anything!"
"OK then, I could use a BJ"
"Gross dad!"
"Well it's the only way you'll get the car."
She reluctantly agrees and starts, then pulls back,
"Ew dad your dick tastes like shit?"
"Oh jeez! I forgot I already loaned the car to your brother."

You don't talk to an english whore, you dicker.
Tah dum boom!

Machinesworking wrote:

TRS80 wrote:

Machinesworking wrote:Two gays are walking down the road and run across a dog licking his balls, one turns to the other,
"Oh god Cliff I wish I could do that!"
"I don't know Jerome, I think you should go up and pet him, see if he's friendly first?"

[ps- this joke as I heard it didn't equate gays and beastiality; and therefore I find the first version here slightly offensive; I guess some repressed cocksuckers got a hold of it and made their twist ]

That's ridiculously PC of you. Nobody is off limits to humor, not a single person or thing, zero rules, period. Once you do that you become the thing you try to prevent, prejudice.

I've known enough hardcore queens to guess that IMO this joke came from two gays actually having this exact conversation! Some are that dirty minded, and some are that clever and witty to come up with a reply on the spot that quickly. No surprises there.

Basically keep your PC bullshit out of juvenile threads, and realize you're talking to a guy who's vocalist is a lesbian.

Wow. I found a rude person online. LOL

Well, what can I say? I was a little offended. I don't know about the vogue "PC this PC that" thing. Is it not alright for someone to be a little offended? Will you not give me that basic right Mr. Methinksthoudostprotesttoomuch?

Anyrate, my observation was not directed personally towards your highness. More of an observation of how oral vernacular can change with culture over time, as I heard that joke 25 years ago (or whenever Walker played for UGA).

I don't need you to list how many gays or lesbians or queens you know in order to believe you're "cool with all that." I simply thought that joke permutation was interesting, and offered that observation- and that is OK. PC is so fucking cliche anyway. It's always big fun to find new people to hate.

Oh brother.


Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?






A: They both have boys underwear half off.

I just moved in with my stepladder.

Me and my real ladder don't get on.