Ableton Forum

Q: Whats red and invisible?

A: No tomatoes



Q: Why did the lion get lost?

A: Because the junglist massive.

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

A guy walks into a Library and up to the Librarian

Guy - Can I have a burger and chips please?

Librarian - Sir this is a Library!

Guy - Sorry Can I have a burger and chips please

^reminds me of...









how do you sell a hot dog to a deaf guy?

































































WANNA BUY A HOT DOG!?!?!?!


(it's funnier when you're shitfaced screaming it into a buddy's ear.)

A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hotdog seller and says "Make me one with everything!".





























No, wait, that's not it...


























The hotdog seller says "Sure, that'll be 5 dollars please". The Zen Buddhist gives him a 10 dollar note. The hotdog seller says "thank you", and goes about his business. "Wait" says the Zen Buddhist, "what about my change?"

The hotdog seller says "change comes from within!"

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the barman gives him one.

Q. What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?










A. Only SOME things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

A very beautiful message about growing old....













































Darn, I forgot what it was

A dude walks into a pharmacy and ask "do you got grapes?" the pharmacist replies "no, this is a pharmacy. The grapes are in aisle 6".

The next day the same guy walks up to the pharmacy again and asks "do you got grapes?" the pharmacist replies "no, I told you yesterday that this is a pharmacy and we don’t sell grapes. The grapes are in aisle 6".

The next day the same guy walks up to the pharmacy once again and asks "do you got grapes?" the pharmacist replies "Listen, you come here one more time asking for grapes and I will nail your feet to the ground"

The next day the guy comes back again and asks "do you got nails" the pharmacist looks at him funny and replies "no". In that case, "do you got grapes?"

Whats blue and rapes children?

























Me in my lucky blue suit.

Who is ugly which now thinking?

a baby seal walks into a club...

Schrödinger's Cat walks into a bar...































...and doesn't.

[quote="Machinesworking"That's ridiculously PC of you. Nobody is off limits to humor, not a single person or thing, zero rules, period. Once you do that you become the thing you try to prevent, prejudice. [/quote]

That is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Ever. Not that I think the original joke is all that offensive, more unfunny, but you're defensive rationalization is absurd. And PC? What year is this? 1992? Whatever.

The jokes in the first couple pages of this thread were awesome, made me laugh out loud. Then it crossed the line into tired, predictable homophobic and pedophile/hooker jokes. Some mildly amusing, most tediously unfunny. That's when dudes started posting, "LOL, keep it up!" A dirty joke that isn't funny is just bad form, try it in conversation and see how it goes.

That's all predictable enough. Threads, like people, can devolve. The thing that gets me is how many threads devolve into homophobia or sex. Hello? Don't you guys get it? This is the biggest Freudian slip in history. Why do 12 years olds call each other gay? Because their deepest fear is to wake up one day and realize they are gay, or have other people for some reason think that they are. Why do people say things in threads like, "I jizzed on my girlfriend while she was asleep! Ha ha ha!"? Because they are clearly afraid of sex or their own feelings of sexual inadequacy. In many ways of course sexuality and sex are scary, especially in our culture. Acting that out in nervous glee is not the most evolved way of expressing it though.

Chris Rock is funny.
Woody Allen is funny.
Fear is not.