Post
by aqua_tek » Thu Mar 04, 2010 3:50 pm
I feel your sentiments, Mr. ChiDJ.
I had learned to accept who I was throughout most of my life. I just rolled with it. Embraced it. Made for some wild times indeed.
For a while after that, I kept it in check and suppressed out of respect for someone that I met, and whom I cared for dearly... even *GASP* loved (still do. My Achilles heel)... but it was such a struggle. I was so restless.
So eventually I just broke down and lost my willpower. I proceeded to do what sounded like the least hurtful solution: be careful, stay safe, do what you need to do, and LIE LIE LIE out your teeth.
needless to say, eventually the lies catch up... the rest of the story is a big mess, ending in a weird, on/off relationship that's only weakly held together by some sort of love, a certain amount of habit, and nostalgia. Definitely not healthy.
If it wasn't such a cliche' cop out, I'd probably say it was very much like an addiction. You don't want to hurt the ones you love, so you suppress it for as long as you can. But then the call gets too strong, so you fall back into it. Then you try and find ways to get your "fix", without having anyone find out... except for fellow revelers, who are probably on the same boat anyways.