Neb's ears are bleeding

[nebulae]

Enough of this nonsense, Mrs. Neb. When can we expect the next workout vid?

Will this work? I took it today.

[funky shit]

im telling!

[Mrs. Nebulae]

Gawker.com re-imagines Luann's fateful visit to the recording studio, excerpted below.



"Ohhh goodness LuAnn. She doesn't do a lot in most episodes of this show, but when she does, oh when Crackerjacks DeLesseps gets cookin', man does she get cookin'. The episode began with a wide-angle shot of a pickup rumbling across a scorched, scrubby desert. We heard the faint sounds of the Allman Brothers playing on the truck's stereo, saw the high fade of dust kicked up by its rattling wheels. LuAnn sat in the driver's seat, one arm hanging lazily on the window, cigarette dangling off her lip, one boot up on the dash. LuAnn was headed somewhere, somewhere grand. As it turned out, LuAnn was going to make a record.

Yes, a record. Well, a song at least. For now a song. She pulled up to a rundown shed and kicked the door open and said, "Let's do this thang." She was greeted by a bald, greasy fellow named Hitz St. Cloud, one of the most respected music producers in the music producing business. He made very certain that we knew exactly how big he was. He actually sat LuAnn down and said, "Now you know, I've worked with..." and then he blahed on with a series of names that no one really cares about. Well no one except LuAnn, who seemed impressed and giddy, itching to show us her chops. You see she's always wanted to be a singer, but things always got in the way. Something always came along, like kids, or her duties as a countess, or those six months she spent eating peyote with Charlie Huhn in Saskatchewan. But now here was her chance, and she was not gonna fuck it up.

Hitz St. Cloud asked her to sing and when she did it sounded like frogs crying and Hitz nodded his head, glassy eyes hidden behind round sunglasses, and said "Yeah baby, that's the stuff, that's the stuff. Stick with Hitz and you'll be on Solid Gold before you know it." LuAnn raised an eyebrow and said "Hitz, you know that Solid Gold hasn't been on in twenty-two years, right?" Hitz frowned for a second, adrift in time. "Really?" Lu lit a cigarette. "Yeah baby, not since 1988. You believe that?" Hitz shook his head. "Man, I thought '86 would never end." Lu let out a weary billow of smoke. "You and me both, kiddo. You and me both. Anyway, we layin' this down?" This music lingo talk snapped Hitz out of his time-lost stupor and he said "You know it!" and it was time to record "Money Doesn't Buy Class," or whatever that miserable ditty is called. There isn't much to say about it that hasn't already been said. I mean... it's the musical equivalent of a tumbleweed rolling, uninvited, into a fancy party. I don't know what else to say about it. I'm sorry, Countess. I'm sorry, readers. There's just nothing to be said about because it says it all itself. We all have aching want in our hearts, and that's what that song is about. About things both quiet and loud, about life being one long strand, no moments like islands, just beats in a measure. That's all.

When they were done recording, Hitz St. Cloud lit up a doobie and offered it to LuAnn, "You want a hit, it's schwag." Lu once again raised that eyebrow of hers and said "It smells like oregano." Hitz looked down sadly and nodded his head, "Probably. Probably." There was a small awkward silence, eventually broken by LuAnn saying, with a note of pity in her voice, "Hey, listen, Hitz. It was great working with you. If you ever... Look, if you ever need a place to stay..." Hitz put on a big fake grin. "A place to stay?? Baby you're talking to Hitz St. Cloud, quaalude king of the Pan Am preferred flyer's lounge! I'm doin' A-OK!" LuAnn nodded and smiled. "OK, sure, I know. I just saw the cot in the sound booth, and I thought... Anyway." Hitz took a toke of his oregano doobie, tried to hide the cough. "I think you should go." And so she did."



"Hitz took a toke of his oregano doobie" ... omg, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

[LoopStationZebra]

Enough of this nonsense, Mrs. Neb. When can we expect the next workout vid?

Will this work? I took it today.

Welcome to COUGAR COUNTRY.

[kb420]

My ears will never be the same again. What a train wreck!!!!!!!

[nebulae]

From the Mrs.

http://dlisted.com/node/37450?mediaKey= ... reURL=true

[LoopStationZebra]

That's a man.

[MPGK]

(wheeze) elegance is leoAoEeernd... my frants.

Okay, she can't help it and she can't know any better - but what the F's up with the "producer"?
I've never been faced with so much baloney outside of a butchery.

[nikulo]

Holy Crap!

how much Coke does it take???

[Mrs. Nebulae]

Here's how filtered she was in the video:



And here's what Gawker had to say about that:

We had no idea that the sexy Supernanny dominatrix in the video was actually, you know, LuAnn. Damn, she looks good! She doesn't look natural, but she looks good. Actually this video is the visual equivalent of what sound engineers did to her voice, digitally altering it within in an inch of its life so that it doesn't even resemble the original product. The Countess isn't an unattractive woman, but between the corsets, the hair extensions, and however it is they smoothed out her complexion, she looks like a Pussycat Doll's older sister rather than the dowager of the Real Housewives. This is basically just the very expensive version of going to Glamor Shots in the local mall, but with a national audience.

As for the video itself, it has to be seen to be believed. Just like in the song, the Countess instructs a bunch of young men how to treat a lady. Here she acts it out by simultaneously schooling the boys and rubbing her ladybits all over them, including a scene where she lounges in bed with a group of barely-clad gentleman. It's all very "Express Yourself"-era Madonna but, you know, kinda creepy.

[Mrs. Nebulae]

I know you're thinking by now, why I can't let this go? But I thought you guys would love the NSFW raunchiness of this cartoon, which imagines what the Real Housewives of New York reunion will look like (it actually airs tomorrow).

Luann sings her signature line at 2:08. But the rest of it is pretty hilarious, especially if you've seen the real thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixBP4Efu ... r_embedded

[LoopStationZebra]

Mrs. Neb, you do realize don't you that we only read that crap and watch that crap to humor you - and that we are really simply waiting for the next exercise vid?

[Pitch Black]

Neb's ears are bleeding??

THEN SHAVE YOUR LEGS, WOMAN!!!

[LoopStationZebra]

Ohhh, SNAP! (tm)

[LoopStationZebra]

Question: Is Neb into anal? By which I mean receiving, not giving, of course.