how do you deal with girlfriend and music

kramerica · Post by **kramerica** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:05 pm

Lesbians are hot.

Sorry, I just had to chime in on that.

hambone1 · Post by **hambone1** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:06 pm

Uh, oh...

djshiva · Post by **djshiva** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:07 pm

kramerica wrote:Lesbians are hot.

Sorry, I just had to chime in on that.

*yawn*

Johnisfaster · Post by **Johnisfaster** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:08 pm

to add to the whole problem shes experience chronic pain these days which I won't really go into but she has to take some meds for it and she spends a good deal of time feeling uncomfortable. and shes studying to be a nurse. so if shes not sitting in my room in pain then shes sitting in my room studying and either case I can't make music cause she wants either attention or silence.

I think we just need a bigger place so I can make music while she studies. but the pain she experiences makes her want constant sympathy which I can totally understand but at the same time it gets a bit taxing you know?

kramerica · Post by **kramerica** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:09 pm

djshiva wrote:
kramerica wrote:Lesbians are hot.

Sorry, I just had to chime in on that.
*yawn*

It's getting hotter...

Johnisfaster · Post by **Johnisfaster** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:10 pm

um... lesbians are hot?

show some class.

hambone1 · Post by **hambone1** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:10 pm

You stick with somone who wants constant sympathy, and won't let you do your music when you want to?

Damn... she MUST be good...

Johnisfaster · Post by **Johnisfaster** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:14 pm

well the fact of the matter is if you love someone you stick with them in spite of a few things that bug you. I get the idea alot of you are like "just ditch her if she won't let you do what you want when you want to" which is why most people have trouble dating I think(thats not a personal attack). being in a relationship means you'll never get to do exactly what you want when you want all the time. there are balances of course and compromise.

mikemc · Post by **mikemc** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:16 pm

these diagrams may help illustrate several key issues:

For all intents and purposes, the "T.V. and Remote Control Addiction Center" is the area also motivating the male towards electronic music activity, wheras in the female it is shopping.

So, coordinate your music activities to occur during those periods in which her urges compel her to go shopping.

Johnisfaster · Post by **Johnisfaster** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:19 pm

hm... she doesn't really like shopping, she likes spending time with me and she likes reading now and then but mostly she just hangs around at my place and studies her nurse stuff.

stinky · Post by **stinky** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:20 pm

I get the idea alot of you are like "just ditch her if she won't let you do what you want when you want to" which is why most people have trouble dating I think(thats not a personal attack). being in a relationship means you'll never get to do exactly what you want when you want all the time. there are balances of course and compromise.

There are limits to compromise, and you have to be a little prescient to understand when those compromises will (and they will) exact their tolls. Whether or not your willing to deal with the consequences (because compromises have consequences just like every other action) or those compromises are for you to decide. But, it sound to me like you're just looking for a bit of sympathy yourself. I mean, if you've talked to her about it, reasoned with her, compromised with her, and you're still not comfortable with the situation, it sounds like your taking yourself for a ride.

How about this? Quit doing music, and spend all your time consoling her, because true artists only compromise to BENEFIT their art.

hambone1 · Post by **hambone1** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:21 pm

Johnisfaster wrote:well the fact of the matter is if you love someone you stick with them in spite of a few things that bug you. I get the idea alot of you are like "just ditch her if she won't let you do what you want when you want to" which is why most people have trouble dating I think(thats not a personal attack). being in a relationship means you'll never get to do exactly what you want when you want all the time. there are balances of course and compromise.

Exactly. It's all about balance. And getting that balance isn't always easy. IMO, encouraging your girlfriend to develop her own hobbies and interests could help to develop a more balanced relationship.

Johnisfaster · Post by **Johnisfaster** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:21 pm

"note how close the sex area is to the listening gland" ? I don't get the joke

M. Bréqs · Post by **M. Bréqs** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:23 pm

My current primary female is pretty good in this department, but there is room for improvement.

We cohabit, and I find that while she doesn't nag on me when I'm at the computer or at the keys, she does get all glum - and I don't like that vibe infecting me when I'm trying to compose. So, I stop what I'm doing, pay some attention to her, go back after 10 minutes or so, and thus I have these continual inturruptions. But, I made it clear at the beginning that I want my own space and time, so she doesn't have the basis to actually verbalize a complaint.

I said this in another thread, but the pattern you start in a relationship is the natural state in which it will remain - the "attention giving equilibrium" so to speak. You can't start a relation with a female giving her all the time and attention in the world and then withdraw - they'll go friggin bananas.

For me, when I started dating my current female, I restricted our time together to once a week - twice a week if it was a special occasion. That lasted for about two years. That way, she got used to not having me around.

So, it seems you're behind the 8 ball here. She doesn't seem to want to give you that time and is trying all sorts of sneaky shit to limit you. Regardless, here's four practical suggestions;

1. Next saturday, arrange with a male friend to go to his place and work on music together. Don't go to a female's place, otherwise the feminine jealousy wierdness starts up, and you don't even want to come close to that ugly situation. Even if you set up in a different room and the both of you ignore each other, you have a wicked excuse to brush her off: "Honey, I can't stay and talk about flowers and kitties all goddamned day because Luigi is really counting on me to fix his crappy mixing! You know I can't abandon a commitment like that!!!"

2. Get a gig. It's a wonderful system - you force yourself out there to perform (which for me, doing the legwork for a gig is always a dreadful chore). The excuse is similar to number one above. "Sweety, I can't rub your goddamned feet and listen to you complain about your irrational friends all day because if I don't get this set worked out before the big gig at the National Rifle Association Fundraiser, the show will suck walnuts and I'll be humiliated!!! You wouldn't want to humiliate myself (and transitively humiliate the female who dates a crappy musician) would you?!!?"

3. Get a job in opposite shifts from her. You can bang away in your music all day if you're working nights while she's at work during the day. Spend you evenings together. She'll hate it probably, but hey - it's a solution.

4. While the first three solutions are rather sneaky, you could try being honest - though to be frank, if she's not being honest with you (in not admitting to you that her needs are more important than yours), I don't see how she deserves honesty. But regardless, you could be a chivalrous bastard and tell her straight up that you resent her for taking your time away, and that every minute that you miss from your music crushes your soul and blackens your relationship as an evil ball of resentment and disgust builds in your slowly decaying heart, and that if she wants to be in a relationship based on affection rather than smothering guilt, she should go find something else to do on Saturday.

The problem with option 4 is it's kind of an "all or nothing" approach.

I know, I used to have this problem BIG TIME, way worse than it is now. I used to have a female who said "You don't play with me as often as you play your damn synths". I responded "well, if you squealed and groaned like that synth does when I tweak it, maybe I would readjust my priorities..."

The ridiculous part of it was, this female was all into me because I was an electronic musician - then she seemed to make it her priority to make me stop being one!!! What a farce.

djshiva · Post by **djshiva** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:23 pm

mikemc wrote:these diagrams may help illustrate several key issues:

For all intents and purposes, the "T.V. and Remote Control Addiction Center" is the area also motivating the male towards electronic music activity, wheras in the female it is shopping.

So, coordinate your music activities to occur during those periods in which her urges compel her to go shopping.

wow...thanks for that sexist piece of shit diagram.

i especially love the stereotype of women's urge to shop coming from a music software forum where the guys are constantly talking about the newest software/controller/computer. irony much?

although i must admit the size of the male "toilet aiming cell" is pretty accurate...