how do you deal with girlfriend and music

Danny Futuro · Post by **Danny Futuro** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:50 am

my girl is cool as hell. She bought me an iMac G5 to make tunes on because my ibook G4 just wasnt cutting it. She chills here on her own lappy while i make tunes, for 2-4 hours at a time, and also bought my trigger finger and ipod for my production needs. supportive gal she is!!

hacktheplanet · Post by **hacktheplanet** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:03 am

It took weeks and weeks to finally get my ex girlfriend to understand that I need an environment where I can be completely undisturbed while writing music. Even then, I had to schedule time for myself. It sucked.

No girlfriend anymore. Now I can just immediately go into my area, close the door, and rock out as long as needed.

minimal · Post by **minimal** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:14 am

I think the worst are the hobbyless girlfriend, seen that too many times...
Disclaimer: I know several girls with hobbyless boyfriend and they are pretty pissed off as well. I didn't mean anything against womens in general.
They suck because they don't have anything constant to fill up the free time with, and tend to get jealous about our commitment to music.
And start with the random crap "is music more important than me" etc, which kills the comunication between partners.
They get fed up, we get fed up.
I believe one of the most important things in a relationship is that both partners have their own "private square meter" in where to be able to dedicate the time and energy. If that is missing it can't be a healthy relationship. Being together is about respect too imho, and respecting someone means understanding his/her commitment to a given thing and let it be as it is.
Now I'm single and I keep myself away from relationships, flirts along the way is all I can do because after the last relationship crack (she was sweet but she didn't understand how much I need to make music, and being alone while doing it) I decided I'll never let a woman be beetween me and my music.
I do hope I'll find one day the right one.

Good luck to you all

Marquis · Post by **Marquis** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:17 am

I had a similar problem with my girl, until we had a serious chat about it.

I told her, with absolute honesty, that for the first time in my life I was passionate about something. By "something" I mean as in hobby/job - not as in person - I didn't want her thinking music and she were competing for my attention. She did think that. And it was hard to change that idea.

I reassured her that I loved her and love spending time with her, but that I had to pursue my dreams or else I'd wither and die.

I asked her how she'd feel if she woke up one day and found herself realising that I was unhappy in my life because I'd stopped being myself to become the person she wanted me to be.

I also began sharing my creations with her, getting her opinion on the songs as they happen. That way she felt a part of my dream, having some say in it all. This was made easier by starting conversations about music I knew _she_ liked first, Didn't even have to be the same style - I just got her talking about music in an open way, show her how I valued her opinion. Then when I say "Hey, can I play you then tune we made last night? I love it, but I wanna hear what you think".... well, she feels included.

So through those methods, plus making sure the shared time together was really special (cooking her dinner, offering to watch a movie with her etc etc), we forned a mutual, well-balanced respect for each other. Even to the stage where she said if I wanna drop back my day job hours to work on music, she'd support me for a while (liek I supported her through uni), that would be fine.

She even came out to visit me in my studio space (she rarely does) on the weekend, and wanted to know what I was doing. So I played her the tune I was working on, and she liked it. I asked her what she thought it needed, and she said some vocals. So I chucked the mic in front of her and said "go for it". She laid down some nonsense no-word doo bee doo bee type melody, but it sounded cool. I then before her very eyes/ears started looping and adding effects and tripping it right out, which she thought was amazing. I'm now in the process of remixing it and seeing if I can make a serious tune out of it!

Have faith, John - as others have explained above, many/most of us go through this. But I'm 100% sure that the ones who find a solution do so through communication.

Good luck buddy.

hambone1 · Post by **hambone1** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:26 am

Get her involved!

Before the last gig, I showed my girlfriend how to trigger video and lighting clips on the Faderfox, and how to control the camera feeds. She had a great time, and it freed me up to concentrate on the music.

Now she wants to help with the programming, and doesn't resent the time I spend programming and rehearsing.

eyeknow · Post by **eyeknow** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:00 am

my vow of celibacy prohibits me from saying......

Screw it, we'll always be a slave to the higher power (girls) and if you are lucky enough to get one who digs the "style".......man, I'm happy for ya

elektrovert · Post by **elektrovert** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:55 am

My Fiance got me a Faderfox LV-1 for my last birthday!

She thinks it's a waste of money but she knew I wanted it.

I generally keep the studio time down to all all day sunday and one evening during the week.
Unless like at the moment, I'm doing a gig in which case I'll be doing something Live related every day till then, which is thursday week.

I'm very lucky!

hambone1 · Post by **hambone1** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 9:56 am

Balance is a matter of give-and-take. Perhaps getting involved in her activities would not only encourage her to help you with your music, but it could give you more common interests that make life together a whole lot more fun.

To have my girlfriend help me with the DJing (and to get her to go mountain biking with me, too), I have to endure shovelling horse shit and going on nut-busting horseback rides!

danessx · Post by **danessx** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:04 am

I've only just joined this forum, and have only just purchased Live 5, not even installed it yet. It made me laugh when I saw this post as I get exactly the same, "oh you've been on that computer all night" comments off my girlfreind. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and got her an engagement ring yesterday! She loves music and always comes out clubbing with me and my pals, she's not really into playing or creating it though. I would absolutely love to get to grips with Ableton and similar software but because I need to spend time with her after being at work all day I never really get the time to actually sit down undisturbed and get into it... Does anyone else get hassle about spending money on audio equipment too? There always seems to be a blind, or soft furnisihing or room to decorate that takes precedent over stuff like a new Pioneer CDJ or mixer or monitor's or software or etc etc etc lol!

Angstrom · Post by **Angstrom** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:17 am

DJ Shiva aluded to it earlier - separate stuff.

I have my money , my girl has hers. I have my room full of crap , she has hers.

I'm always a bit mystified by the common comment on these boards: "I'll have to clear it with the mrs to see if I can buy another vintage compressor"

We just don't work it that way. I couldn't .
I say - set up a joint account for dull joint stuff, both pay into it equally every month so it can pay bills, etc. Then spend whatever you personally have left on whatever you feel like. It seems a simple recipe to me.

deckme(N)tal · Post by **deckme(N)tal** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:44 am

Wow....such an interesting and "real" tread...i have got similar problems with my girlfriend too...
I started to work 9 to 5 almost a year ago, after finishing university and i started to be really involved in producing a year ago too...so i made my little studio and purchased my stuff....
Anyway when i was a student i had plenty of time to do things...too much perhaps..and know i find myself juggling my life between make music, have a job, spent time with a girlfriend and not lost in touch with my friends/socialization...as i know that is possible to be sucked in your own activities and not having time to meet people...---->this sometimes leads to miss opportunities and start collaborations etc...
So i always feel guilty when i am doing music and i phone her and i say i will stay at home..she will say ok...but i can understand from her voice that she is NOT ok..so my bad feelings ruins my music session and the day after i will be upset about the situation...
i think i will ask her to decide certain days of the week that i can dedicate to music and to stay by myself..and i will try to be more collaborative with her (she asked me to buy a bike as she likes to go around cycling...so i think i will do it).
I hope i can fix this situation as sometimes i feel i am not giving enough energy and concentration to both part love and music...
have good luck!

Dubreak · Post by **Dubreak** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:49 am

how do you deal with girlfriend and music?

I put her on the guestlist. Four festivals this year: free entry, food & drink.
The last one I went to we both had 'crew' passes, access all areas, heheheh!! Makes you both feel a bit famous or something.

snowtires · Post by **snowtires** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:23 pm

djshiva wrote: wow...thanks for that sexist piece of shit diagram.

what's wrong with being sexy?

wildcon · Post by **wildcon** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:30 pm

Hi,

Apologies for any repetition here as I haven't read through all the texts.

I have the same situation as you as will most musicians.

There is an exect same thread on the Cubase forum. that you may want to do a search on.

The main problem as I see it (definitely applies to me) is that you can never have enough music

So what we consider as cutting down is more than likely not so.

I won't go into the details of what I've tried (with reasonable success) but it comes down to understanding the female Psyche more and acting on that.

My girlfriend and I were having major problems and had split/got back together numerous times. We loved each other but just could not hit a happy middle ground.

Eventually she resorted to self help books, but most were not really helpful in any practical way.

However, she continued to badger me about reading a book called -

'Why men lie and women cry'

Eventually I reluctantly agreed to read it - (these books are for girls eh:-)

Well after only a few pages I was completely hooked and laughing out loud.

These guy's (a married couple) are so on the ball about the differences between the sexes and the differing actions reactions to all things, that it became my bible for a month or so.

More importantly it made me/us think/understand about how my actions were being interpreted by my girlfriend.

Only a slight change in my general outlook my a huge difference to our relationship and gave me much more time for music without causing rows.

We still have our moments obviously, but I would recommend this book to anyone.

Believe me - I am generally one of the most cynical people around, so this advice is not coming from someone who happily jumps onto the next self help fad.

M. Bréqs · Post by **M. Bréqs** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:43 pm

I still advocate sneaky, dishonest behaviour in this matter. Fight fire with fire I say...

M. Bréqs wrote:She doesn't seem to want to give you that time and is trying all sorts of sneaky shit to limit you. Regardless, here's four practical suggestions;

1. Next saturday, arrange with a male friend to go to his place and work on music together. Don't go to a female's place, otherwise the feminine jealousy wierdness starts up, and you don't even want to come close to that ugly situation. Even if you set up in a different room and the both of you ignore each other, you have a wicked excuse to brush her off: "Honey, I can't stay and talk about flowers and kitties all goddamned day because Luigi is really counting on me to fix his crappy mixing! You know I can't abandon a commitment like that!!!"

2. Get a gig. It's a wonderful system - you force yourself out there to perform (which for me, doing the legwork for a gig is always a dreadful chore). The excuse is similar to number one above. "Sweety, I can't rub your goddamned feet and listen to you complain about your irrational friends all day because if I don't get this set worked out before the big gig at the National Rifle Association Fundraiser, the show will suck walnuts and I'll be humiliated!!! You wouldn't want to humiliate myself (and transitively humiliate the female who dates a crappy musician) would you?!!?"

3. Get a job in opposite shifts from her. You can bang away in your music all day if you're working nights while she's at work during the day. Spend you evenings together. She'll hate it probably, but hey - it's a solution.

4. While the first three solutions are rather sneaky, you could try being honest - though to be frank, if she's not being honest with you (in not admitting to you that her needs are more important than yours), I don't see how she deserves honesty. But regardless, you could be a chivalrous bastard and tell her straight up that you resent her for taking your time away, and that every minute that you miss from your music crushes your soul and blackens your relationship as an evil ball of resentment and disgust builds in your slowly decaying heart, and that if she wants to be in a relationship based on affection rather than smothering guilt, she should go find something else to do on Saturday.

The problem with option 4 is it's kind of an "all or nothing" approach.