..... JOKES .....

knotkranky · Post by **knotkranky** » Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:17 pm

Bloke down the pub gets stupidly drunk....again!....
shortly before leaving the pub he vomits over himself - covering
the front of his jacket and shirt.
He turns to his drinking pal
and slurs "Oi mate...I'm too bloody pissed...I can't go home...the missus will kill me.
She said to me....If you come home drunk once more...I'm leaving you!"

The drinking pal say's,
"Listen mate, it's simple,
take this twenty pound note and when you get home
tell her someone at the pub got too drunk and vomited
over you and the bloke was good enough to give you
twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."

"Thas brillyunt...thanks pal"

The drunken man staggers home stinking of vomit.
On arrival he is immediately confronted by his wife.

Pulling the money from his soiled trousers he begins
his speech.
"It's allright love, I know what your thinking but it wasn't me,
you see, this bloke down the pub got really pissed and he vomited
all over me at the bar....but...he was really nice - look he gave me
twenty quid for the dry cleaning!
The furious wife inspects the cash
"This is forty quid, what's the other twenty for?

"Oh yeah...the other twenty's from the bloke who shat
in my trousers"

Machinesworking · Post by **Machinesworking** » Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:27 pm

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

sven303 · Post by **sven303** » Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:49 pm

Excellent...love the joke and in the spirit of the m&m duels.

Tomorrow i will be holding the inaugural 'uk m&m survival series' live from my couch in Gt Yarmouth (think Las Vegas of the east coast of uk)
Ive phoned up sky to see whether they want to do a pay per view event, they said they will come back to me. They better hurry up as the crowd (my mates) arrive at noon and it will be the supporting feature before the Arsenal vs Liverpool game.

Maybe at some stage we can have a world tournament or m&m olympics?

Ok im out of work at the moment and have too much time on my hands...but thanks for cheering me up.

mikemc · Post by **mikemc** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 1:19 am

the only jokes i've been hearing are from my 6 and 8 yr olds.
They go something like this:

"What did the zero say to the eight?"
I... don't know.
"Nice belt".

"Knock knock"
Who's there?
"Interrupting Cow"
Interrupting C...
"MOOOOOOO!"

"Why did the chicken cross the playground?"
I... don't know
"To play on the jungle jim, stupid."

Machinesworking · Post by **Machinesworking** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 2:02 am

^^^^
It says something about me that I find your kids sense of humor really funny!

Machinesworking · Post by **Machinesworking** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 2:06 am

knotkranky · Post by **knotkranky** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 2:48 am

Machinesworking wrote:Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.

That's a superb little bit of writing....and funny.

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

mikemc · Post by **mikemc** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:22 am

Machinesworking wrote:^^^^
It says something about me that I find your kids sense of humor really funny!

oh they can be a real riot

They especially like the ones where they get to call me dumb, and they tend to hit me when I'm semi-paying attention.

My son says to me while I'm driving them to school:

"You're the bus driver..."

Yeh, I'm the bus driver, I always am driving you guys around...

"No, no. It's a riddle. You're the bus driver..."

Oh, ok.

"At the first stop, you pick up seven people."

Ok

"At the next stop you pick up four people, and three get off. At the third stop, you pick up six people, two get off."

Wait a second... uh... ok...

"At the stop after that you pick up five people, nobody gets off."

This really isn't a riddle, it's more like a word problem. A riddle has....

"I KNOW what a riddle has. The next stop you pick up four people, one person gets off. What color are the bus driver's eyes?"

O...K... well, that is more of a riddle... but it's not a very good one, son. How... am... I supposed to figure that out from the information you gave me?

"WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING I TOLD YOU, DUMMY??? YOU'RE THE BUS DRIVER!!! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT COLOR YOUR EYES ARE?!?!?."

I started laughing so hard I almost had to pull over.

gjm · Post by **gjm** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:47 am

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money so she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card it was written:

*Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti*

*Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce*

Homebelly · Post by **Homebelly** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 4:54 am

This guy takes his dog to the vet.
He drags the dog into the examination room and heaves it on to the table.
The vet takes one look and declares the dog to be dead.
"No!.. That can't be!" Says the dogs owner. "I want a second opinion"
"okay" says the vet, and goes into the next room.
Moments later he comes back in with a Labrador.
The Labrador sniffs the other dog once or twice, then goes of into a corner of the room and lies down.
"Well, there you have it" Says the vet.."Its confirmed"
The owner demands another test.
This time the vet returnes with a tabby cat.
At first the cat is a little suspicious, but when it realizes the first dog is dead it jumps off of the table and curls up in the vets chair where it goes to sleep.
The dogs owner is starting to realize the truth, but begs for one more test.
The vet sighs, shrugs and goes back into to other room.
A moment later he returns with yet another Labrador. This Labrador shows absolutely no interest in the dog on the table and wonders off to sniff the but of the first Labrador sitting in the corner.
The original dogs owner breaks down.
Once he has regained some composure the vet offers to take care of the now confirmed dead dog while its ex-owner goes out to the office TO fix up the bill.
The bill totals to $500.00. The owners mood turns from grief to rage.
"Five hundred bucks!!.. But he didn't do any thing!!"
"Well" says the receptionist, "It says here that he performed two lots of lab tests and a cat scan.. it all soon adds up"

Boom,,tish!!

Homebelly · Post by **Homebelly** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 4:57 am

Another guy takes his dog to the vet for a check up.
The vet picks the dog up and takes a look in its eyes, ears and checks his teeth.
"Well, its no good, i'm gonna have to put him down"
announces the vet.
"My god why?" says the owner..
"Because he is really really heavy and its doing my back in holding him up like this"

8O · Post by 8O » Sun Dec 21, 2008 10:22 am

One day in the jungle, a sloth is attacked by a pack of snails. Later, the jungle police comes round to get a statement from the sloth. They ask him what happens. He says, "I dunno, it all happened so quickly."

Stace · Post by **Stace** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 10:40 am

Two lady's are coming home from a night out and they are both bursting for a piss and they can't find a place to go and they are getting desperate,

Lady 1: I'm bursting for a piss where can we go?

Lady 2: There's a church over there lets go behind a grave or something!

Lady 1: What our we going to do to dry ourselves?

Lady 2: Use your knickers!

Lady 1: I'm not using my knickers they are really expensive!

Lady 1 then looks around and spots a bunch of flowers on a grave that have a big ribbon on them so she grabs it and drys herself with it!

They then go home.

The next day the husband of the first wife rings the husband of the second wife and say's

Husband 1: "Listen Dave we've really got to start watching our wives now mate!"

Husband 2: "Why's that John?"

Husband 1: "Anne came home last night with no knickers on!"

Husband 2: "You think you've got problems!!!!! my wife came home last night with a card sticking out of her arse that said 'We'll never forget you, from the lads at the firestation!!"

weeddigger · Post by **weeddigger** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:44 pm

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

sweetjesus · Post by **sweetjesus** » Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:57 pm

Two guys in a jungle come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

The second guy hisses: "What are you doing, you can't outrun the lion" And the first guy says: "No, but all I have to do is outrun you"!